This Capricorn full moon has been KILLING me. Every time I go to work on my hustle, my hustle just deflates like a saggy old party balloon, except there was never any partying, and if there was I wasn’t invited but I heard they all had chocolate cake and elderflower gin and Channing Tatum was the stripper. I must have missed the invite, probably because I was FIXATED over my current career blocks.
You see, this full moon is conjunct Pluto, the Lord of the Underworld, and boy have I just spent some time down there: fishing around for answers and eating tons of juicy pomegranates again. But like a regular Persephone I’ve resurfaced wiser than before (well, kind of) and found that as much as I vibe with Capricorn (I too have a Cappy moon) I actually really fucking hate it too. Hear me out.
My main gripe is this: whyyyyy must we, as a culture, focus so much on our goals for the future?
“What do you doooo?”
“What are you going to BE when you grow up?”
“How can you define your entire self based on a narrowly perceived job title that 21 million other people share? Hmm? HMM?”
Man, I don’t know, leave me alone, I just want to lay on a beach and drink pineapple juice. Is that a crime? Apparently so.
My trip to the underworld has shown me that this kind of block is all fear based. Of course! When isn’t it fear? Well, when I’m lying on a beach drinking pineapple juice, actually…
So, if the fear is coming only when I’m hustling, or trying to hustle (I’m sorry I hate the word ‘hustle’ too for exactly these reasons), where exactly is my terror bubbling forth from? Which well has been poisoned so much so that I can’t enjoy something I used to enjoy because it isn’t going as well/easy/fast as I wanted/planned/hoped? Is there even a way to measure that? Seems unlikely as well as borderline neurotic (ok fully neurotic).
And what is it exactly that I’m fearing? Having to work? Putting myself out there for all to see? Fame? Fortune? My dreams INCARNATE? Probably. But there seems more in play here too.
I can’t help but feel that the Capricorn moon is somewhat responsible, and no that’s not me just passing the buck, as much as I would love to. You see I know what I’m like; me and Saturn have got this thing, we like to flirt and make promises of the future, often really really BIG ones, but when it comes to putting in the groundwork and establishing boundaries, I get overwhelmed, develop cold feet then throw in the towel really quickly.
It’s not that I’m work-shy, in fact, it’s more the opposite: I’m HUNGRY. Hungry for WORK that THRILLS ME. Hungry for that feeling you get when something you’ve worked really fucking hard for pays off. I want the big time. I want it all.
But having a saturnine nature, or for that matter, just existing in modern day society, you start to develop this sense that everyone is leaving you behind, that you’re the last one to come up with some incredible idea or invention or tagline, and that you just need to WORK HARDER to make sure that you do achieve that achievable dream, and preferably as soon as possible so you can stop pretending and start living.
But people, even if we were to spend all our days lying on a beach drinking pineapple after pineapple (don’t I wish it), we would still be LIVING. No?
So why is it so important to leave our mark on the world? To ensure we have a cracking career in an industry we just luuurve? (and to make sure that everyone knows of course).
Well, Hades told me what’s up: he said that we’re all scared of dying. True story. We’re all scared of dying without having done anything, without having been anyone.
We are so terrified of fading into nothingness, like a bright star that no one could actually see, that we tie ourselves into knots trying to avoid it. We rarely take time to just be, whether that’s with or without a fruity beverage and sand between your toes.
I know that I haven’t published here for a while, and folks, this is why, but I’ve since had many a tropical fruit drink on the beach, time to reflect, and I feel like this Capricorn full moon has allowed me to plumb my depths for a reason to be, and my reason is joy. I want to write because it fills me with joy to do so, and whether or not that means I’ll get a gold star on my gravestone is neither here nor there, I really couldn’t and shouldn’t care less.
So, my hardworking babeses, please don’t feel that you have to BE someone, you already are just by existing. You are a star that shines regardless of who sees it or remembers it, and you don’t need to prove your worth to anyone except yourself, and maybe the guy who brings the juices, cos if you play your cards right, you might get a dash of rum and a tiny sparkly umbrella.
Then once you’ve had your R&R, get back to werk sugar, not to hustle your little hotpants off, but to do something that feels good in the doing, cos that’s what’s gonna make you go solar.
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